I suppose it was to be expected.
The signs were there.
You may recall last year’s post about taking a sabbatical on this very blog. In it, I laid out my motivations as to why I needed to take a longer break to recover.
I also briefly wrote about prior experiences with mental exhaustion and burn-out, which I dismissed. Perhaps I was simply bored?
You may also recall that in a blogpost reflecting on the break I wrote:
I must admit that while I have gotten a lot of rest over the last three months, I don’t feel in a remarkably better mood than I did when my break started. I had hoped that things would shift dramatically, but sadly the dreadful weather has worked against me and as a result my overall mood has been middling at best.
After feeling off during my vacation time in August, I became extremely tired, both physically and mentally, and my sleep quality fell off a cliff: I started waking up once every hour. That makes everything much worse, very quickly.
My ability to deal with stress has completely evaporated. It’s bizarre: mentally, I fluctuate between feeling fine and feeling distressed. Hyperventilation happens every now and then when stressed for the most silly reasons, and it’s intensely uncomfortable.
This is what happens to the central nervous system when it’s been under a lot of stress for an extended period of time. You get stuck in “fight or flight mode” for longer periods, until you’re almost permanently there.
I have sought professional help to ensure I can recover as soon as possible, but I’ve been told that it’s going to get worse before it’s going to get better.
I won’t be working on my open source stuff much, and I don’t like asking, but your support could help make this period a little less painful financially, so consider it, please! Thank you.
When I feel better, I plan on writing a long post on the very topic. For now, all I have to say is the following: if you feel like you’re overwhelmed and exhausted, seek help. You don’t need to keep pushing yourself until you break.