The Future’s a Slow Burn

A New Milestone

For the last 365 days in a row, I’ve been doing daily workouts taking between roughly 30 and 120 minutes a day.

Here’s the results (so far):

• I lost a little over 20 kg during the last year. That’s two buckets of fat. Lately the weight loss has slowed down somewhat, but I can tell some of the fat’s getting replaced with muscle, which is heavier. So I believe I’m slowly bulking up and losing additional weight (judging by the slowly disappearing fat tissue around my waist, which is tough to get rid of).

• The clothing I usually wear has gone from being mostly size L to mostly size S (depending on the type of clothing). I can almost literally fit in my previous pants… twice. And it’s not like I was obnoxiously obese! I’ve had to refresh my entire wardrobe two times so far.

• I started at a BMI of slightly over 30, and I am now back in the healthy range with a BMI of 22. Not that this number is super representative, especially not if you are packing on more muscle. (I’m no bodybuilder, so no worries there.)

• My VO₂ max oxygen intake estimation has improved drastically (a 40% increase) and I am almost back where I need to be. I find it easier to breathe when working out than before. Theoretically speaking, my Apple Watch’s Cardio Fitness number is still slightly below the average for a man of my age, but it is a lot better than before.

• I try to run 2,5 km outside on a daily basis, and do another 4 to 5 km on the treadmill. In addition to this, I also lift weights for about 10 minutes every day (light weight) and spend some time doing a few daily pull-ups.

• I’m getting more sleep than before, and my sleep quality has improved. My heart rate, which was far too high before and artificially lowered by taking beta blockers, has now reached new lows at rest due to my daily cardio regimen.

It’s been a long road, but I see this as only the beginning. It is the new normal. Not seeing it this way will lead to slowly falling back into bad habits. No more lax behaviour, no more backsliding.

Understanding the Circle of Doom

The following chain directly led to these changes:

1. A big breakup caused a significant gap in my life, leading me to re-evaluate my current situation. Due to various circumstances, I found myself 1) with more free time and 2) walking outside to clear my head.

2. Walking outside became an instant habit after several weeks of working out. This, in combination with me doing 10 minute running session on my treadmill (I’d started this habit a while before) caused me to lose a bunch of weight in less than two months; obviously there was also grief involved.

3. I started eating smaller portions of food. I wasn’t particularly hungry, to be honest.

4. As my levels of anxiety dropped, I found it easier to spend more time on working out and adjusting my habits. I started reading more, for entertainment and for knowledge.

5. As a result of these lifestyle changes, I started feeling better. There were immediate improvements to my physical health a few weeks into the process. I also noticed that the post-workout feeling gave me quite the energy boost.

6. A lot of introspection allowed me to more accurately plan for the immediate future. I was able to identify three areas of my life where improvement was going to be necessary: physical (lose weight), mental (recover from break-up) and social (reintegrate into society).

7. I started sleeping better because of my workouts. With my dietary changes, my nausea and high blood pressure spikes also vanished. Obviously, I also started losing weight.

8. I began using this new energy boost to continue working on myself. It’s now taking longer for the weight loss to keep going. I understand that the future is a slow burn.

Conclusion

At times I feel quite miserable and I am still not used to being alone even one year later. Various compounding elements (distress, workouts, diet, sleep) have made it possible for me to improve my life in spite of the current situation. I still feel miserable at times, but I have not been complacent.

I don’t like the way I look (any more, compared to a decade ago), and despite my weight loss I am still not confident in myself. This is probably because my ex-partner bailed on me with the person I wish I was more like but cannot be; i.e. taller, less bald, more naturally confident and independent.

This was extremely painful at the time because I had to keep hearing “how great this guy at work was”. I can improve some aspects of myself… but I cannot suddenly grow taller, or grow my hair back. I’m sad to say that it is that truth that I find the most painful. The stuff that is out of my hands. I don’t want to get stuck on stuff like this either, but the truth is that it’s not emasculating… until it actually ends up being exactly that.

My habits are all I have going for myself at this moment, so I must persevere. I wish I had more of a social life but I must also acknowledge that I am not even remotely close to being ready to pursue another relationship. I am not interested in something purely physical, either, so I keep to the sidelines and don’t make an effort to actively meet people.

To be honest, between work and my attempts to somewhat get my life together, I simply don’t have the time. Perhaps that’s something I just tell myself? I don’t know. I find reaching out to new people extremely difficult. Heck, always have. Not sure what to do about that. I also don’t want to start swiping on dating apps but I’m not sure what options I have when finally ready to start dating again in the future…