Finally Neutral

It’s been a while since my last post about my own mental well-being. Now that I feel like I’ve somewhat reached a neutral point, I think it may be helpful to describe what’s been happening lately, and where I feel like I will need to go to get back to where I want to be.

I recently attended a friend’s 30th birthday party and was introduced to a bunch of new people. In the past, such social interaction hadn’t been my forte, but I went home feeling a little bit relieved that this stuff wasn’t really as difficult as it used to be. I also made a new friend.

I had new energy, I felt good and I was able to have good (if not great) conversations with folks there, including with many new people. I wasn’t afraid, and I didn’t feel awkward. I could be genuine, and I wasn’t stressed out. It had certainly been a while since I’ve felt that way.

In a way, this rather festive but not exactly extraordinary evening completely got rid of a feeling I remember feeling in the past: extreme discomfort, a feeling of a needle in the back of my mind that would just make me feel super angry.

I’m not sure what the cause was, but whatever caused it is entirely gone now. Actually, no, I do know why it’s gone: I’ve noticed that I can work in this world.

In a way, I feel almost like I’ve reached my neutral point, now. Perhaps I’m ready to start putting myself out the more than before. Time to move forward and start putting in the work into all of those things I couldn’t before, because I was still trying to climb a steep hill.

If I’m not being held back, then that’s what I must do. I will take some time to find out where it is exactly that I’m going, and then take action if needed. I wonder what I will be like, when I am no longer being held back by pain and uncertainty?