There's No Fast-Forward

Have you ever experienced this? You’re watching a movie, and suddenly a scene will cut to black, and then you see the following text, usually with very large and bombastic typography:

As far as the story is concerned, a lot of things have happened, and it’s usually up to the person watching to piece together what has happened, that is, if there isn’t some sudden but convenient plot exposition by some character in the next scene.

Life isn’t quite like that. You can’t fast-forward to the good times.

Well, two years have passed and here I am. If you are a close friend, you know what I’ve gone through. The struggles, the ups and the downs, the glass ceiling and floor, both of which completely ruptured that fateful day two years ago.

I thought I had some direction in life, or at least a person to spend my life with. Turns out I was wrong, and all of reality came crashing down as my decade-plus long relationship suddenly died over the span of a single weekend.

Ever since then, life has been a tremendous struggle, and it remains so. No peace of mind for me.

Not Enough Joy

The good news is that I am doing better than last year. The bad news is that I am not doing well enough, to my liking.

I have not felt enough raw joy and happiness in the last two years. I can probably count the days that I was truly happy on both of my hands: there have only been a handful of those days. That, to me, is the most sad admission of all. It tells me that, for the majority of the time, my life is more sad than it is happy.

It wasn’t always this way. For many years, I was certainly blessed with constant happiness and joy, born out of a sort of serene ignorance that made my life so beautiful… before, that is. The same absence of ignorance is what makes life so painfully daunting today.

Most of the last two years I’ve spent working on myself and putting myself in a position where I stand a chance at living a life that is worth living. It’s not been easy, because I carry many painful memories with me, some of which are finally starting to fade. Finally.

I knew I needed my time before engaging in anything even remotely romantic, I decided not to dip my toes in the world of dating yet. Sometime soon, that may change. I definitely can’t stand the loneliness much longer, I’ll tell you that.

To be honest, life without a significant other or a romantic prospect is, to me at least, actively painful, and it is so every day. The reason is simple: once you’ve had something real, you never want to be without it.

Waiting for Godot

On an emotional level, I have certainly grown. I have done a lot of work on myself to become better. Physically, and mentally. I’ve done the self-reflection. I’ve been humbled, I have become more patient and kind.

Yet I have also found myself far less forgiving when the need arises. People will get absolutely no mercy from me, if they don’t deserve it. None, whatsoever.

I do not believe that I am in any way special or remarkable. I do believe that I am worthy of love, like all the other totally unremarkable people. But in today’s society, action is what differentiates those who have found love from those who have not, and I have grown fearful of trusting people.

If anything, the damage done to my ability to trust others is the most painful wound that has come out of this entire affair.

In the beginning, I felt overwhelmed just looking at strangers. Men or women, it did not matter. They actively repulsed me. All potential monsters, hell-bent on taking away the things I value or love, if they are given the opportunity.

My friends tell me I’ve made a lot of progress. But I have not held someone’s hand and told them I love them… so to me, there has been absolutely zero progress where it really matters. I had love, then I did not, and now I am still loveless.

The choice of one’s partner is one of the most important you’ll make, and I wish I’d known back when I was younger what that responsibility was like. Instead, I wasted away my twenties waiting for Godot, like some sort of idiot.

The Road Goes Ever On

I recently made a new friend. After talking for an extended period of time with them and getting to know them a little bit better, I must admit that I was somewhat stunned by how remarkable they seemed to be. Smart, energetic, positive, the whole lot, despite them having experienced suffering, too.

By comparison, my life appears to be very insignificant and empty. It made me think that I could be doing so much more to get where I need to be. It also put a lot of things into perspective, for which I am very grateful.

I’m not there yet, but I also know that I am capable of feeling things again. That too has made me very hopeful for the future.

I may not be able to have what I really desire (at this very moment), but the most important thing is that I am capable of pursuing what I want again, especially after not having felt anything like desire for a long time.

I’m sure that eventually, I’ll figure it out, but for now it feels like I’m standing at a cliff and I’m about to tumble all the way down.

Take me to a different place
Where love is not illusion based
And fear is just a word they can define
Where I’ve heard hope and happiness
Is found in every beating chest
‘Cause all those hearts are more or less inclined
To give it all away without a fear of what’s to break
The answer that we never seem to find
The hand we always take disintegrate without a trace
And we’re the ones they’ve always left behind
Help me understand the best is yet to come
Take me by the hand before I come undone
‘Cause all this emptiness has left me feeling numb
But it’s darkest right before the sun
The Best Is Yet To Come, Sheppard

Everyone tells me I’ll figure it out. I know there’s some folks who never do.
But I won’t give up. The road goes on. I’ll be moving forward… One step at a time. One foot forward, and then the other.