Never Again

There are a bunch of principles that I have embraced over the last year. I’d like to highlight one of them today.

The most important principle that guides my current activity at this moment in my life is one that comes from pain. It is, as you may have guessed, the title of this post.

Never Again

Never again will I allow me to put myself in a situation like the one I ended up in last year: I was in bad shape (emotionally and physically), experiencing the slow and excruciating destruction of a relationship I cherished deeply.

I was ill-prepared. Never have I suffered emotionally like I did then, and I wasn’t feeling great at the time either. I described it best in a previous post:

All of those memories, good and bad, have been cast in a new light. Most of those happy memories are now null and void, because they are a confirmation of a simple idea: I have peaked, and it’s all the way downhill from here. It’s a ten-year plus period of time. You don’t just cast that aside. Overnight, ten plus years of happiness has turned into a constant reminder of my failure.

The purpose of these blog posts is to allow me to look back at what happened to me, address some flaws and take responsibility.

Taking Responsibility

The harsh truth is simple: I am not responsible for everything that is done to me (i.e. a break-up) but I am responsible for my reaction to said event. I think I acted admirably: as soon as I knew that it was no longer salvageable, I cut my losses and left. It was fucking difficult, but I did it.

We have not spoken since. She attempted to reach out last April, but I (hopefully) made it abundantly clear that I was not interested in being her friend. We could never be friendly ever again, not after that betrayal.

So, whenever I feel down or sad I try to bring the simple axiom to my mind.

Never again.

Never again will I allow weakness to dictate my life. Never again will I be so weak that the person I love the most will leave me without me fighting back like my life depends on it. I could not fight back.

Turbulence

Here’s a bit of a confession: perhaps a part of me didn’t want to fight back. I’m not sure. I do know I loved the person I used to love, but I am also certain I realized that she wasn’t the person I needed her to be.

As such, I run. I do my daily duties. I meditate. I contemplate. I seek the best path to progress in these difficult times.

My attempt to embrace the slow path to progress has, so far, succeeded. It’s certainly not a flashy life. It’s a life without much of a social fabric. But so far, the gradual progress I’m seeing in my life right now is what I need. I think of it as the foundation for the beautiful garden of life I would like to cultivate in the future.

It’s a tad bit too slow at times. The loneliness and less emotional support are definitely hard to bear at times. Sometimes I find myself thinking dark thoughts. Sad thoughts. I find myself wondering why I am even around.

But when such thoughts appear, I turn to my support network. I turn to the outside air, I turn to the many activities that make up my life at the moment.

In truth, the only moments when I feel truly awful come into focus when I have nothing to do. Just me and my thoughts, memories and regrets. I hate doing nothing. I used to hate it because I always wanted to be productive.

Now I hate it because it makes me lash out in anger and frustration. I ruined something great, nay, I let it be ruined. Through inaction.

In Two Minds

I hate this particular brand of solitude. Truth be told, I also strongly dislike certain social activities, so I’m sure you can see the problem here.

I need to have more people in my sphere of influence, but I cannot stand the usual social events where people meet each other: I do not enjoy traditional “fun” activities. I’m definitely a bit of an odd one in that regard. But I do know one thing: I will not pretend to be anyone I’m not.

I tried to fit a certain mould in order to be with my ex-partner. I was a fucking idiot. At times, it felt like I was being pulled in two directions at the same time: I wanted to be with her and as far as humanly away from her as I could be. She was lovely and exhausting.

I think a relationship should give you energy, at the end of the day. It’s give and take, for sure, but at the end of the day you need the other person to energize you. Not drain you of all energy. There were weekends when we’d meet and I’d just feel exhausted when I got home.

Why? Not sure. I wanted to be with her, but I also didn’t. A man in two minds. Does that make sense? Anyway, I digress.

Better, Stronger, Faster

I’ll keep making the changes necessary to become the person past me would have looked up to. I’ll become the man who would have crushed the person I used to be.

Over the next 24 months, I have a few goals:

• Health: maintain diet and healthy fitness habits, keep working on sleep
• Social: expand operational area, find a new place to live, broaden social circle
• Work: keep working on projects, transition into different role(s)

The best revenge is to live well. I shall endeavour to do so.